My thoughts today...

So I decided to do this blog to help express my feelings about having diabetes. People who deal with this daily can understand and feel free to comment, even if you’re not a diabetic. I’ve been diagnosed for 5 years now and everyday is a challenge. I was diagnosed when I was in high school and the first thing that happened is my friends stopped talking to me because they were ignorant. They thought they could catch it. Since then making friends is not one of my strongest suit. Now I’m in my 3rd year in college and things change all the time you need to check your blood sugar more, get more insulin, sleep less, eat more ,gain weight make sure you get your flu shot and on, and on. At first I was confused and was like okay, I can do this to stay alive. Now I’m just tired of doing everything. I don’t want to quit because then I die but I do it every day. I know it sounds like I’m complaining and I kind of am. The problem I have is people say I know what it feels like. The truth is, they have no idea unless they live it like I do. The problem I have the most is my mom. I love her but she always tries to blame things on me. She always says the world isn’t going to accommodate me. Well I’m not asking it to. I just want to feel normal. I don’t. I can’t just go out and do things college kids can. I get asked all the time about my pump and I’m embarrassed. I have bad memories from high school. The feelings I feel on a daily basis are hatred, shame, embarrassment, sadness, and alone. I always feel alone dealing with this. I try to explain how I feel to people, but they just don’t understand because they don’t live it. Its hard feeling the way I do and people don’t listen. I feel kind of crazy and like it’s my fault and it’s not. At the end of the day I’m the one dealing with it. It is a dark and lonely road. After 5 years, I’m already tired of it, and I have it until the day I die, or they find a cure. I just wish one day I could not worry about the word diabetes and not worry about checking for ketones checking my blood sugar and seeing if things have too much sugar, or the letters of DKA. The 3 scariest letters in my life that I have ever heard. I can’t believe that this would ever happen to me. I want one day to just be NORMAL.